Eating loads of lobsters makes my shits properly healthy. Seriously, the sort of thing you'd imagine some mungbean-munching alfalfa addict to produce. Maybe I should go on an all-lobster diet.

Actually, that’s quite a smart idea. Even setting aside the sheer, lustrous, crass opulence of the whole thing, it’d still be excellent. Imagine it:

Waiter: Would Sir like to see the menu?
Lobster: No thanks, I’d like some lobster please. I only eat lobster.
Waiter: I see. Excellent choice, Sir. How would Sir like the lobster prepared?
Lobster: Are you fucking shitting me?
Waiter: I’m sorry, Sir?
Lobster: Is your lobster fresh?
Waiter: I believe so, Sir.
Lobster: Well then I’ll have it boiled, won’t I?
Waiter: I expect so, Sir.

[Waiter skulks off to kitchen to piss into an old lobster carcass]

See? Fucking fantastic.