Since the weekend, I’ve spent the majority of my waking hours engaged in visiting a relative of mine currently conducting a sojourn at an NHS “trust” hospital. I’ve discovered, I feel obliged to announce, that the food in the canteen is nothing short of incomparable. As I’d thus far been surviving on decaf. coffee and slabs of Cadbury’s Bournville obtained from the League of Friends café near the ward concerned, your apprehension of the palpability of my delight on discovering the canteen early on Sunday evening will no doubt constitute a far from Herculean task. “Ah yes,” I thought, “some excellent scran shall surely ensue”. O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay.

Upon close scrutiny, the menu revealed itself as a veritable cornucopœia of culinary conjuration. Though naturally my vexation at the prospect of narrowing such an array of gustatory marvels to a single selection was sore indeed, I cast aside trepidation and elected to consume a combination of roasted pork and potatoes, boiled carrots, peas and gravy. I have every confidence, dear Reader, that you'll formulate with little encouragement some realistic notion of the moistness of the carrots, the tenderness of the meat and the expertise with which said flesh had been filleted; not to mention how delicate the “pop” of the peas as they surrendered their savoury secrets, and under how gentle a pressure of the mere tips of my teeth.

For lunch the next day I chose a Beef Stroganoff soi-disant, accompanied by wild rice and salad. I’ll warrant that you’ll construct a similarly effortless comprehension of how creamy an affair was the sauce, and how appropriate the hint of spice; of how perfectly al dente was the rice, how spruce and crisp the salad.

Clearly, the inevitable conclusion from this tale must be that hospital food has evidently advanced by leaps and bounds in recent years? That to suggest, par exemple, “ill-governed” as a more fitting descriptor for the rice than “wild” would be somehow uncharitable?

IN A FUCKING DECOMPOSING LOBSTER’S STINKY GREEN PUTRID ARSEHOLE.