I was on my scooter on Tuesday evening, approaching a set of red traffic lights. A column of traffic stood waiting in the right-turn lane, and the straight-ahead/left-turn lane was empty, so I started to slow down and directed my trusty steed straight up the middle of that lane. Suddenly a car pulled out immediately in front of me, coming out from the right lane into the left, and bearing extremely close to me, so I braked, but the wet road made me start to skid on the wet road, towards the car. Everything went into “slo-mo”, like it always does in moments of high hecticity - or maybe, rather, my brain and reactions go into hyper-drive - so I jumped off the scooter and managed to land in a crouch, but still on my feet, while the bike dropped and landed on its side, inches from the car.

I stood full up and turned to start picking up the bike; the car had stopped, the window was wound down, and a teenager was gawping at me out of the passenger window, while the driver was leaning past him towards me and saying something. I thought that maybe it was “are you fine?”, but I couldn’t quite hear, so I raised the visor on my helmet and said “what?” She repeated, enunciating very clearly: “Are you blind? I was turning left!”

Un-fucking-believable cunt. It’s probably moot whether it was in any way my fault, as she did indicate, though I think only at the moment of turning — and the fact that she was pulling out of lane suggests to me that she should have waited for me to go past as I was going straight in lane. Thing is, regardless of whose fault it was, the fucking cunt had basically just run me off the road, and rather than check whether I was OK, like any normal human being would, she asked if I was blind, because I hadn’t known in advance that she wouldn’t look properly before pulling out in front of me! Fucking cunt.

I was so gobsmacked by her fucking brute idiocy that I just said “are you blind! You nearly knocked me over! Just get out of the way”, waved her along with as much contempt as I could muster (at that moment, contempt factor 37), gave her an extremely evil stare and drove off. Seconds later I had a momentary primal fantasy involving turning round, catching up with her and delivering a solid and well-deserved strike through the open window — but obviously civilisation got the better of me, I thought better of such behaviour, and carried on driving away.

But honestly, what a fucking cunt. Cunt.